turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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