Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
