2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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