we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
