we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
