I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
