my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
