I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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