I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
