I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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