i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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