Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
