I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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