My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I have so many feelings about this burrito
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Congratulations! We have a period
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