In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
