I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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