Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
