it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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