Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
tell me about the fingering
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
