how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
