Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
