12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
