you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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