Where did you get a picture of my penis
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
