If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
