I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
