It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
