3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
