You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
did i just pee glitter
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
