im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
