She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
