The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
