you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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