I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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