you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
