I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
