o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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