It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
