She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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