hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
