non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
