They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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