my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
