Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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