why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
