You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
