woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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