Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
pray to the hookup gods
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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