there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
