I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
