My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
