Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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