She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
