I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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