I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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